The arrogance of trust

Trust is a tricky concept and a difficult idea to talk about as it’s importance differs to each individual. Is demands integrity - having strong moral principles. It demands loyalty - giving constant and unwavering support. It demands empathy - you are much more likely to trust someone who is compassionate towards you. These all seem like great qualities to aspire to have! Why would we not willingly give trust and build trust with each new person we meet if these are the qualities it describes? Surely our lives would be more fulfilled by having these qualities intertwined with each new relationship?

However, trust is also arrogant in its nature in that it has a sense of self importance. Its illogical - it’s demands you share it when meeting new people without question or judgement. It can leave you vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation. It leaves you wide open to those who have bad intentions or who want to take full advantage of your nature. It certainly makes you question the value of trust.

Have you ever walked into a new relationship, whether it be a friendship, romantic or other, with no expectations of the other person? You walk in unassumingly and fully trust the person - because they've given you no reason not to. You fully trust because there is an assumption that this person carries similar values to you and don’t have an intention of hurting you. I think most people will be able to relate to this and could give an example of someone you met and trusted off the bat - how that could have benefited you. I'm sure you could also talk about those same relationships and how a person you once trusted may have broken your trust - perhaps a partner cheated on you or a friend spoke behind your back. You could probably also tell me how it felt to have that trust broken and whether you were able to repair it or not. We all know what it’s like to have our trust broken. Which begs the question, how do we build or rebuild trust when we may have had our trust broken in the past?

There’s a beautiful TED talk that I recommend watching (Onora O'Neil - What we don’t understand about trust). She speaks about whether to trust or not to trust, and deciphering who or what is trustworthy. It’s an insightful and brief talk- definitely worth your time. If you have been following my blogs, you may see a pattern at this point- I find TED talks to be an invaluable enrichment activity in my day.

The question she poses is - do we want to be more trusting people? Is the aim to trust more? She hypothesises that this is likely not the most wise move forward. If you aimed to trust all your neighbours, you may run into a local hooligan which could end up getting you in a sticky situation. O'Neil rather emphasises that trust should be built on whether someone is trustworthy and deciphering who or what falls into that category is a core skill of navigating life.

So how do we benchmark trustworthiness:

Competence

How efficient is a person in a task and are they successful in its completion? This could be any task - are they willing and able to post a letter for you?

Reliability

Does the person follow through from what they say, to doing what they say they will - did they actually post the letter when they promised you?

Honesty

This is probably the most important one of the three. Is the person truthful and sincere - did they tell you they posted the letter and was it truthful that they did. You’ll know if your recipient never recieved the letter!

We can assess our relationships against the above three qualities when benchmarking trustworthiness - we can make an informed decision about whether someone is trustworthy and deserves a first or second chance before walking blindly forward with them. We can safeguard ourselves as well as be open minded in getting to know someone. We can give ourselves the power to make informed decisions and choose ourselves first.

Lastly, and I haven’t touched on this point yet, we can look at intention. I personally think this is an invaluable quality. Intention behind an action can tell you a lot about the quality of person you surround yourself with. Does the person intend to hurt you? Does the person intend to help you? People do make mistakes - after all, we are all only human. Is their aim to be trustworthy and earn your trust back once broken? If the answer is yes to all 4 components (intention, competence, reliability and honesty), then opening yourself up to rebuilding trust is the first step.

The rest is hard work, time and patience.